19.12.2024 bpd, selfharm/suicidal ideation

i am in absolute hell. i hate this time of year, i can't mitigate my bpd at ALL and i'm hyper-aware of my toxicity levels on top of already being really low and struggling to not relapse. i hate that i can't be alone, i hate that i feel everybody pulling away from me because i'm not getting "better" right now. i feel 18 again. nobody wants to feel 18 again lmfao. this has been such a rough final quarter of the year for me and the light at the end of the tunnel is not there like it was a week ago. i feel like i'm going to be stuck in this loneliness limbo until i die. i can't get the help i need from the nhs, and even if i could i feel like it just wouldn't help. my brain is constantly catastrophising. i feel like i only have two people i can properly lean on and i can't even do that anymore because i'm too much right now. i don't want to be alive. i hate that i have to stay alive. i've seen more and more people on social media with personality disorders being accepted for medical euthenasia and the envy my heart feels seeing it is so heavy. i wish i could leave. i just want to leave. everything is so heavy and painful all of the time and i know people try to understand but they never will. no love will ever be enough, and i'll never be seen because how can others see me when i can't even see myself, i've never seen myself. it's manifesting as full body pain now. i don't want to do it anymore. i want to leave.

12.12.2024 "lack of" personality talk [bpd]

struggling with the lack of a structured personality causing me to want to redo my site layout two days into having it like this. how do y'all DO IT!! it's not that one day i like the thing and the next day i don't. it's just that one day i'm girlypop pink dainty light mode website enjoyer, and the next i'm graphic design is my passion a billion blinkies in your face i am screaming for help but in a fun way enjoyer. and whichever is my preference swings around so much. i suppose the beauty in it is that i can just change it whenever i want, i'm aware of that. but trying to learn more code solely to soothe my personality disorder is frustrating when i would just like to be happy with how things are now. maybe playing infinity nikki will soothe the girlypop soul.

11.12.2024 suicidal ideation, bpd talk.

everywhere looked like silent hill meets narnia on the train home today. no snow (thank god) but everything was covered in frost it was so beautiful. i'm once again in bpd hell. who the fuck invented the illness that makes you so reliant on others that you are no longer living for yourself, i just want a word. i don't know what it's like to exist in comfortable silence, i don't know what it's like to not be waiting for the next interaction with a person every second of every day. i don't know how to unlearn this part of myself. i don't have the tools to unlearn this part of myself. genuinely thought about drowning myself earlier. however many more years of these sickly harrowing world-ending anxiety bpd feelings every single day is such a horrifying concept. i know i have to keep going, so i will, but i wish i was actually as alone as my illnesses made me feel so i didn't have to keep going.

i have to make a bookmark for my mother for christmas, and there really is no whinmsy in crafting something for another person when they've essentially demanded and guilted you into it, rather than you having the idea yourself. i'm using cardboard from an old amazon box lmfao and the only paints i have are gouache so it'll like crack anyway. i'm really juggling all of my nonexistent energy right now and i'm pissed that my abusive mother has taken presedence over my university assignments in my brain. i wish i could spend christmas without her but i am so terrified of being alone on christmas for the first time and i don't want the inevitable breakdown it would cause. i wish i still had my old friends in my life so i had christmas options.

site-wise i'm proud of myself for making my landing page and header and getting chattable working on my home page!! the only big thing i have left to do right now is my interests page so i can use that as something to get to once i've done my essays. which i should go and attempt to start now. i don't know how to not think about dropping out. i am fucking sad and exhausted!!!

10.12.2024

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLOWER!!! i know you're gonna see this and i hope you know how lucky i consider myself to have you by my side. we've been through a lot, together and individually, and i am so proud of both of us for always coming out the other side. not necessarily stronger, sometimes weary, but always surviving. nobody has a willingness to lean into my fixations or autistic quiz nights or wikipedia deep dives quite like you. our friendship means the world to me: our music exchanges, our rare but vital movie nights, the vents, the co-existing, all of it. i hope today can be magical for you. i wish i had more to offer than words or discord calls but i do hope you know just how much i appreciate you and value you. i love you lots.

today was a weird one. i'm very content right now; liam and i are coexisting while i website and they game (could not resist grabbing mini motorways for them) with some records on, but we've both had a rough one mentally. i had to ask to stay an extra night and i dropped a bomb of a conversation about something that had been weighing on me which i still feel bad about, but i know it was important to get it off my chest and talk about it. hooray for growth and communication despite the trauma responses screaming at both of us.

i have to start working on my second TMA when i'm home and i'm dreading it. i know one of the options i'm doing is dickens, but i'm not even confident in that, nevermind having to choose a second topic that i have no clue how to understand let alone write about. this module really is still kicking my ass the third time around. if i submit something i'll be proud. i just need to push through A111. i know the modules are only going to get more taxing and difficult, but at least it will be focused on my degree rather than a million topics that i struggle to be engaged with.

09.12.2024

i love!! neocities!! i love my silly lil trans webring that i am a part of. i just found a site that i adore so much and in the maybe parasocial way wish i had a way to reach out to the creator just tell hym how much i adore it and be an autistic little creachur about the things we have in common.. i won't name the person here because i'm sure if hy wanted people to reach out to hym then there would be a form of contact on the site but.. at least the site button can be linked so that is there now!!!

liam and i started opening our christmas gifts from each other yesterday and i WEEP. they got me a whole bunch of things but i think my favourites are a simpsons shirt (IN TRANS COLOURS, NO LESS) and a little prince tarot deck ;w; it's my first ever tarot deck and i'm excited to learn how to read them because the artwork on them is so so pretty. best gift giver for real i hit the jackpot there. runner up for best gift giver though, that would be meeeee. i tried talking myself out of it a bunch but i couldn't resist: deluxe unreal unearth LP set and their first record player. the vibes. THE VIIIIIBES. francessca on that thing.. i think i ascended. i'm so relieved they love it tbh, i was so worried they wouldn't really want it because they've only mentioned wanting one once or twice in passing and i get really anxious about giving gifts despite loving giving gifts to people so i'm just a happy lil pup.

it's flower's birthday tomorrow and i'm excited!! i don't know if they have anything planned for it but i'll take any excuse to yell about my friends and remind them of how much i love them. they're one of the biggest reasons i started this site and they've always been such a light for me and helped me so much over the years in so many ways and i just. mush. i love my fucking friends!!!

07.12.2024

okay so i guess i'm back to this and thank god to be fucking honest i thought i was going to be doing nothing all day every day and then killing myself in time for christmas :)) so fun story behind my motivation to get back to this, i really missed playing short indie games on itch so i played last seen online which was a stellar 20 minute puzzle game and then i found lost memories dot net and was like OHHH WE ARE SOOO BACK. it's a cute lil visual novel where you play as a high schooler caught in a love triangle with her two best friends but the thing that sucked me in was that our main character had her own personal site (this was set in 2006, mind you) and there's a mechanic where you can build onto it a lil bit each day and i was like.. i have so got to get back to neocities. it was a really lovely experience for me, something that others probably wouldn't even bat an eye at really, but found me at the right time and was like a warm hug. it wasn't cringe in the way a lot of these things are, there was no forced lingo or whatever, it was just authentic to what it was like to be a kid online as an escape in the 2000s and it hit me like a truck. and i'm just really happy to be back doing my silly lil website that nobody other than me cares about (not a bad thing btw. if ur reading this u should go make something just for u right now) because the burnout and lack of desire to do ANYTHING was eating away at me more than it's ever done on top of the SAD. and it's all thanks to this lil gem of a game from 2017 that i've never heard anybody talking about. so yeah. i'm off to find more one-shot gems for a few hours before i inevitably go back to infinity nikki (help meeeeeee)